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Volvo Propose Radical New Changes To Road Surfaces. Volvo have proposed a new design for road surfaces in order for their new square wheel to work. Volvo designers have been trying for years to incorporate a square wheel onto their cars. They have now decided the only way it will function is to change the road surface. Volvo are taking the design to a European court, in an attempt to force all EU countries to change their road surfaces to work with their new design wheel. |
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Ikea Chairman Admits Volvo Sponsorship Was Mistake Ikea chairman Mike Itcheap, has admitted the Volvo sponsored desk to be a mistake. The problems with the desk included, overly heavy build, too square a design, an inability to function without a desk lamp on and an inexplicable ability to be in the way, no matter where placed. All the desks have now being withdrawn from sale, which causes no problems to consumers, as non have been sold. |
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Cow warning sign salesman gets own car aerial stuck up arse. Cow warning sign salesman Mike Itdeep, suffered a horrific attack after trying to sell his ware to the Carlisle Uncovered Nipple Treatment Society (CUNTS). After being asked to leave by chairman Mel Keytit, five angry security guards, three secretarial staff, a passing taxi driver and a dog named Bruce, grabbed Mike, dragged him to his Volvo 440 and impaled him onto his own aerial. Mike insists he never meant to cause offence, he was acting on a sales lead provided by his office. CUNTS have defended their staff, claiming he deserved it for driving a Volvo. |
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Careless Volvo driver runs over cameraman Cameraman Paul Yatopoff is today in hospital suffering from massive head trauma after being knocked down by careless Volvo driver Ron Overim. Paul Yatopoff, who has being branching out from glamour photography, was about to take the first photo of a group of Volvo trucks, when late comer Ron Overim, came rushing into place and struck Paul with the Volvo truck. The picture to the left features the accident a split second before it took place. Paul Yatopoff, is expected to make a full recovery.
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Volvo designer deigns claims of drug abuse Swedish Volvo designer Olav Morcoke has today deigned drug abuse claims. Motor companies from around the world have alleged, drug abuse to be the only reason for the Volvo 66. A Swedish court will soon give Olav a chance to explain his actions. Legal expert Noah Dalaw expects Olav to be found guilty, as the picture to the left of Olav’s creation is enough to prove the claims true. If found guilty, experts predict all Volvo designers to be taken to court for the same reason. |
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Volvo Drivers Take Up Abseiling Dan Gull & his wife, a couple of Volvo drivers from Harrogate have taken up abseiling, after buying a new kettle. Dan misunderstood the instructions for the Morphy Richards kettle and immediately signed himself and his wife up for abseiling lessons. The problem arose as the kettle’s instructions state “de-scale regularly”. Dan assumed this to mean abseiling. The mistake has been explained to the Gulls, but they still appear to be unaware of the problem. A Morohy Richards spokes man, has stated, all new appliances will now come with a special instruction booklet for Volvo drivers to refer to. |
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Head Case Marries Volvo Mental patient Maria Badcar, has today had her civil partnership overturned. Maria, who suffers from a condition known as complete insanity, has been ordered to regard her marriage to an accident damaged Volvo to be null and void. She has also been taken into the care of a psychiatric ward, especially set up for people who like Volvos. The ward’s primary aim is to rehabilitate Volvo lovers to a level of sanity deemed acceptable. If you know of anyone suffering from Volvo liking, it’s recommended, you contact the ward immediately. |
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Farmer Charged With Wasting Police Time Volvo driving farmer Doug Afurrow, has been charged with wasting police time. Doug welded seven Volvos together, one on top of the other and then parked them in his field. Proud of his creation, he wanted people to know about it and thought he could make some cash too. Having no idea how to publicise his monstrosity, Doug rang the police for advice, claiming there to be a seven car pile up in his field. The police immediately dispatched two patrol cars, four ambulances, the fire brigade and an air ambulance. This cost the emergency services an amount estimated to be around the £10,000 mark. The police are now pursuing a wasting police time charge to be brought against Mr. Afurrow. |
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Concrete Block Company Employs Volvo Test A concrete block company are using Volvos to test their products. Volvos are fired at 30mph straight into the blocks. The company then examine any damage the block has sustained. The Dirty Great Concrete Block Co. have told us about some of the problems they had to overcome to get the project off the ground. The biggest being, getting the Volvos up to 30mph in the first place. The Volvos have a reluctance to travel at anything above 20mph, so the scientists in charge of the project decided the best method of propulsion is, to attach a 1000Lb rocket to the rear of the vehicle. |
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Crash Test Dummies Strike The National Union of Crash Test Dummies, are imposing industrial action, refusing to be used in Volvo crash tests. The dummies are claiming, sitting in a Volvo to be embarrassing and humiliating. Bosses at Europe's largest crash test facility are holding talks with union leaders in an attempt to sort this problem out. Experts expect the dummies to get their way, leaving Volvo to find another way to test their vehicles. |
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Volvo Causes Traffic chaos In Toy Town Residents of Toy Town are up in arms after a toy Volvo caused traffic chaos for the third day running. Volvo, who won the right to sell toy Volvos in Toy Town, after a lengthy court case, released the first toy three days ago. Since then, traffic chaos has engulfed the town on a daily basis. Boppo the Clown, a life long resident of Toy Town told us, “I’ve never known traffic like this and it’s all since that Volvo came to town!” “It drives too slow and stops anywhere it pleases!” Toy Town residents are now taking legal action against Volvo, to stop the sale of any more of their toys in the town. This is the first reported case of any upset amongst Toy Town residents. |
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Bush announces New Volvo Policy Speaking at a press conference, President Bush announced his policy on Volvos. When asked his views on Volvo, he raised his middle finger, then moved onto the next question. Volvo drivers around the world assume the raised middle finger to be a gesture other road users employ as a greeting for them. For this reason no offence has been taken. Political experts have suggested, this has been Bush’s most intelligent comment of his career. |
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Donkey Wins ¼ Mile Drag Race Against Volvo A donkey named Dave, laughs after winning a quarter mile drag race against A Volvo XC90. Dave the donkey was pitted against the Volvo by gambler Betty Wins. Dave came in with a time of 12:31 minutes, while the Volvo took over 2 hours to complete the short race. As the lights turned green, Dave set off, while Volvo driver Al Goslo adjusted his mirrors, seat position, checked seat belt operation and cleaned his glasses before finally setting off. Al also stopped for a cup of tea and to ask directions on the way. Betty who stood to make fortune on the gamble by betting on the donkey to win, will instead take nothing, as bets were cancelled after fellow gamblers discovered the car to be used was a Volvo. |
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Americans Protest New Volvo Model U.S. residents hold a public protest after hearing Volvo plan to release a new vehicle model. Statistics show that 100% of Americans want Volvos to be withdrawn from sale in the U.S. American Volvo employees and drivers have even voted against the sale of Volvos, but Volvo are still planning a new model for the country. Thousands of Americans turned up for the protest today, but Volvo bosses joined in, thinking it was an attempt to perform the worlds largest conga. |
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Volvo Produce New Engine After hearing the news about Dave the donkey winning a race against a Volvo. Volvo engineers have designed a new, more powerful engine and will be fitting it as an option to all new models. The new engine consists of 1 donkey and is more technologically advanced than anything else Volvo have ever produced. The picture to the left shows the prototype engine fitted to Volvo’s latest 7.5 tonne truck. |
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Volvo Recall Products Volvo are recalling their vehicles after finding a fault with the speedometer. The Volvos which are designed to reach a maximum speed of 20 mph, have mistakenly been fitted with speedometers that read up to 260 mph. The mistake happened when a Volvo employee put an un-needed zero on the end of all the numbers. Volvo drivers around the world have caused traffic mayhem, by keeping their vehicles below what they assume is 20 mph, but in reality they have only been travelling at 2 mph.
Volvo have apologised for the mistake and assure the public that it won’t be long before they make another disastrous blunder. |
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Volvo Driver Camouflages Car A Volvo driver embarrassed by her Volvo has had it camouflaged to avoid been spotted. Heidi Motor spent £1500 on the paint job, thinking she wouldn’t be seen by her friends as she drives into town. Heidi saw some desert army vehicles on the news and decided she should have her car painted the same. The only problem being, she lives at the coast and not in the desert, making the vehicle stand out like a sore thumb. |
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New Volvo Renders Snow Ploughs Redundant Volvo’s latest vehicle has a surprising extra, when it comes to driving in the snow. The vehicle is so ugly that the snow rushes in fear, out of the Volvo’s path. At the time of this amazing discovery, onlookers likened it to Moses parting the seas. The snow can also be heard screaming with terror as the Volvo approaches. Volvo employed a leading team of physicists and after studying this phenomenon, they are baffled. Volvo, however have now sacked the team of scientists, as it became apparent they where actually making a study into to why anyone would buy a Volvo in the first place. |
